Trip on September 4, 2021
Report written on September 14, 2021
Edited and commented on December 27, 2023
Report by: 7e3
I (21m) am 1,89m (6‘2) tall and weigh about 70kg (154 pounds).
Over the past weeks I found myself in a unusual bad mental state. The week before the fourth of September, I had an evening characterized by dark thoughts, nihilism and a desire for self-destruction. I ordered two packs of 20 sleeping tablets each from my favorite online pharmacy. Each tablet with 50 milligrams of dipenhydramine.
DPH is mostly used as a sleeping aid in Europe, but in the USA it is also used in an anti-allergic, known as Benadryl. Overdoses of this medication can also cause a very specific intoxication. Various experience reports strongly advise against actually consuming this drug. (This is one of them) However, the descriptions aroused a determined interest in me for a long time. The prospect of satisfying my desire for self-destruction coupled with a seemingly interesting experience appealed to me.
A few days later, the post delivered my parcel and I picked it up from the packing station on my bike. I was in a slightly better mood than when I ordered them, but I didn’t feel great.
I planned to spread the trip out over a day. The light and warmth of the sun would make any horrible experience seem much more pleasant. Also I wanted to trip outside. DPH induces vivid hallucinations of bugs and spiders. I figured outside – where they belong – I would be less bothered. The night before I planned the trip however, I had a brief moment of clarity in the shower. I saw what I was about to do and even won the argument with myself. DPH is a terrible drug and should never be taken by anyone, I convinced myself. I took the tablets out of the packaging and threw them unwrapped into the garbage can in my room. My hope was that I wouldn’t take them out again when they are no longer wrapped. I remark that I should have gone and emptied the bin, but I was too lazy at the moment.
Towards the afternoon, I sat in my room. From one moment to the next, I noticed how my actions were no longer influenced by my thoughts. I watched as I collected 15 tablets from the bin. They are all clean and in order, after all, there was only paper in the bin before. I counted the pills again and sorted them into a small box. Then I packed a rucksack with an outdoor blanket, 3 liters of water and some sweets and left the house. I told my dad I was out drinking with some friends. On the way to my favorite place to take drugs, I swallowed the pills. Three at a time. (Total of 750mg)
When I arrived at a meadow that borders a tiny forest, I put down my camp. I like this meadow. It’s close enough to the village that you can still hear lawnmowers or children playing in the distance, so you don’t feel abandoned by the world, but far enough away from any civilization to avoid being discovered. Opposite the edge of the forest, a little way up the hill, the meadow is enclosed by a footpath.
I was hidden by the slight incline, but sometimes I could see cyclists or hikers. While I waited for the effects to kick in, I walked around a little. I walked along the path, enjoyed the sun and sat down on a bench not too far away from where I left my stuff. It was late afternoon and I wasn’t completely alone, but there are never many people out and about in this area. I started to feel very dizzy and made my way back to my camp. I found a stick in the meadow and took it with me. Who knew what demons I’ll have to defend myself from, a magic wand will certainly come in handy!
When I arrived I started to dissociate heavily. I stood and crouched motionless at my camp for the next minutes. I noticed two cyclists on the way quite a bit away from me. I didn’t like they could see me and I moved my stuff a little closer to the edge of the forest. In the meantime, I managed to relax a little. Suddenly I was overcome by a wave of enormously depressing thoughts - feelings of absolute worthlessness and a complete lack of interest in life. The feeling was like a all encompassing void. It was a darkness I have never felt before. I tried to distract myself with pleasant or interesting thoughts, but every concept in my mind came up with got on my nerves. I asked myself why I’ve bought such a mess upon myself, but I quickly accepted that I can’t change anything now.
Additionally to the depressed mindset the delirium started to set in and it was getting worse very fast. It felt like being extremely drunk and having lost absolutely all ability for short term memory whatsoever. It was impossible for me to do the simplest tasks, as I always forgot immediately what I was currently doing. Some people might compare this state to late stage dementia. I wasn’t capable of anything by now.
As I stood around motionless I saw a few spiders crawling through the grass. I looked down at myself and discovered a small harvestman (daddy longleg) on my chest. A small spider with very thin legs. As I startled and shook it off with my hand, I realize that it wasn’t actually a real spider. But the realization I was hallucinating did not set in yet. A little later, I felt a lump on my chest. In my fantasy it was a big knobbly spider that held onto my jacked. In my mind it had a dirty-white abdomen and a small body with strong legs. It seemed absolutely real to me, even though I never actually saw the spider. Eventually I managed to pluck the thing off me and threw it away. Only to realize that I held a ribbon from my jacket. I giggled a little and relaxed again. I lied down to enjoy the last rays of sunshine and maybe to look up at the clouds. As I sat up briefly and looked down on my body, I saw a small spider crawling across my upper body. I get scared again and brushed it off. It was a quite small dark-brown spider. Those are quite common in that area and it didn’t came to my mind this could have been an hallucination.
A small, white butterfly flew past me and immediately disappeared in the shape of an actual twig that was sticking out of the meadow next to me. That was the first hallucination I actually realized and acknowledged with a calm mind. In a better mood again, I looked around. I suddenly saw an orange cat coming towards me. I was briefly startled, but then of course I was delighted. In the next moment I realized this cat to be the blossom of a flower swaying in the wind. I’ve had this illusion several times to the point I got really annoyed to see this cat every time I looked in that direction. I sat up cross-legged and looked downhill into the forest. A girl, maybe 14 or 15 years old, with very bright skin, dark hair and a white dress was sitting directly in front of me facing my direction. She was also sitting cross-legged. I was unable to process this sight so I closed my eyes. I heared a voice whisper to me “Don’t try this again”. When I opened my eyes again, the girl was gone. I was impressed and a little shocked by the intensity my hallucinations have taken. To my left, I can see past the forest across the small valley. A few hundred meters away from me, on the other side, there is a small hut for hikers. From there you have an exceptionally beautiful view over the village and the next town. When I looked in that direction, I didn’t see the hut, but instead a huge wooden palace about three stories high. The building was beautiful and seemingly to be made of the same light brown and orange wood as the actual hut standing there. Without my factual knowledge of the area, I would have had no chance of recognizing this image as a hallucination. Once again, I had to laugh a bit in disbelief at the absolutely convincing nature of the illusion.
Finally, the sun has set. There was still light, but it was slowly getting colder and darker. As I haven’t really moved for a while, I was getting cold and considered my options. I thought about making a small campfire, which already saved me one night on DXM, but I didn’t want my clothes to smell of smoke again. I was annoyed because I actually wanted to bring a can of tea. I thought about going home to make some tea, but decided against it.
Hikers are practically non-existent at this time of the day. Especially on a weekday. Nevertheless, I started to worry about being discovered. I didn’t want anyone see me in this delirious state. I knew I couldn’t explain anything to them, as I was way too confused and I knew my behavior would make anyone either scared or worried. After all, I’ve spent a good part of the past two hours staring motionless in random directions and getting startled at random hallucinations.
I looked around and saw an elderly woman reading a book on the bench I was sitting on before. I didn’t realize until the next day that I couldn’t actually see the bench from where I was sitting. Every now and then she turned around to look at me. Apparently, so I thought, she was unsettled because I’ve been staring at her for five or so minutes straight. I distracted myself for a while and continued to look around the rest of the area. I looked at the woman more and more often. I was thinking about going to that bench as soon as she’s gone. Other hikers joined the woman. After a short while there were four of them at the bench. They talked and took turns looking at me. Perhaps they were simply confused by my appearance and my staring. I had no idea whether I was behaving appropriately at the moment. All I knew was that I kept staring at the group. After a while, one of them decided to come to me. Probably to check out whether I’m okay or something. My anxiety rose. I closed my eyes for a second or so. When I open them again, the people were all gone.
I sat around for a while until I got really cold and decided to go home to sit out the trip in my room. I convinced myself that I’m not feeling so badly after all. I almost felt sober, or so I thought. On my way down the dark little path, I met a woman walking her dog. She looked at me and I though she might be wondering or even be worried because I was probably behaving quite strangely. I tried not to let anything show and greeted her as friendly as possible - as you do in the countryside. My voice sounded strange and somehow off. On the same stretch, I noticed a small snake in a tree hissing at me. I kept my distance, less out of fright and more out of fear of possible poison.
A few meters further on, I noticed my neighbor walking in the same direction as me a few meters behind me. She is one of those people who likes to talk around about everything she encounters. This meant that if she noticed that I’m in a complete mess, the whole village would know in a week’s time, I’m some sort of junkie. I turned around and walked the path down, trying to not let her catch up. She is a few meters behind me and I turn around several times to see her. Occasionally I also see dark figures shining flashlights in my direction. My neighbor consistently kept her distance to me. As soon as I stopped, she also stopped and did something on her cell phone. I hurried to get ahead and b. I meet various people along the way. I remember a father with a son and a couple of teenagers. I offer some of them help, as they seemed like they could use some. However, these encounters seem less realistic. I was in a state of complete delirium.
Shortly afterwards, I reached a lighted street. There I wanted to put the cloth I was still holding in my hand into my backpack. I leave the bag and keep walking. The road goes down a slope and I hear someone calling after me. Someone has found my rucksack. He is standing far behind me and holding it up. Suddenly I remember that I must have forgotten it. But this thought doesn’t last long and I continue on my way.
I walk past my house towards the other end of the village. After a while, I remember that I actually wanted to go home. So I walk back again. But then I remember that I must have lost my rucksack somewhere. So I walk in the wrong direction again. I mistake a few shadows for my rucksack. I must have walked up and down the street four times. Luckily it was already quite late. I meet a few people, but I’m hardly distracted.
Eventually I make it home. I walk up the stairs and try to play sober, or at least drunk. I meet my father. He’s real. We exchange a few words and I think he’s really convinced that I’m absolutely drunk. I have told him I was out for a drink with some friends. I meet my mother in the living room. She’s lying on the couch and appears sad or angry. I greet her and ask if there’s anything wrong. She doesn’t answer. I’m sure she’s angry with me or upset because she knows I’ve taken something terrible. My neighbor must have texted her on WhatsApp that she found me completely delirious.
I go to my room so as not to cause any more damage. There I see a few very thin-legged spiders. However, they don’t look real at all and are more of a silhouette. I’m just exhausted at the moment. At that moment I remember where I left my backpack. I get up to fetch it.
My father is surprised, but he lets me go. I walk purposefully to the place where I left it. An elderly man is sitting there in a front yard and looks at me. I search for my backpack and find it, but I leave the blanket behind. I show the man my bag and tell him that’s why I’m here. I wanted to lighten the mood somehow. He doesn’t answer. Before I leave, I look for my bike and actually see it leaning against a fence. But when I go towards it, it’s gone again. I’m pretty annoyed by the search until I remember that I came without my bike. I go back home and go to sleep. I wake up very early the next morning. I have a dim memory of the night before. Short investigations on the events of the previous evening reveal: None of the people I’ve met over the evnening were real, besides my father – not even my mother on the couch.
Afterthoughts
This evening is now more than two years back. This drug is very sad. It let’s you feel a mixture between late stage schizophrenia and dementia – and taking it does make it far more likely you’ll actually develop a syndrome like that later on. Having now met people who are suffering from actual conditions with similar symptoms day to day, I can reflect what I have done to myself. The hallucinations are vivid – no other drug can produce such realistic looking images but they are not interesting. They don’t tell you anything, they aren’t creative, not spiritual, they don’t even look good. If you’re thinking about taking DPH, try LSD, DXM or Shrooms instead. You will get more out of it while not destroying your mind. And if you’re still interested realize that this is self-harming behaviour. Please get mental help and resolve the actual issues you’re facing.